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SEPTFUCKINGTEMBER 2009
09.29.09 - 10:35PM CST
my 1954 vincent black shadow drag bike article on bikernet
yes. it happened. the legendary keith "bandit" ball published me in a big way on his website, bikernet.com. the article is at the top-right of the page and says "BEST ARTICLE OF THE WEEK AND IT'S ONLY TUESDAY - Justin Kell's Vincent Build by Trent Reker."
i know he means that as a compliment but even better is my name on the bikernet.com home page. i've been reading bikernet for eight years and i can't recall if i've ever seen a link on the home page with the byline like mine does. the byline is always on the article's page, after you click. i'm humbled and really looking forward to the blowjob missradiant is going to give me tonight for being so fucking cool.
seriously though, bandit has really been great to me. sometimes i get drunk and read something on his site and blast off a crazy email that i vaguley remember in the morning and wonder if i should regret it. he just laughs them off and wrote to me once that "if you write something that isn’t exactly politically correct from time to time, screw it." he'd love my new tattoo.
on wednesday, 9.9.9 i got a huge tattoo across the front of my neck. it says Freedom or Death in a revolutionary war era script i found.
tangent over. back on topic. two months ago i found out about a kickass 1954 vincent black shadow being built in hollywood and i wanted to know more. i emailed bandit a photo of the bike, taken by the famous artist coop, and a few words. he responded and said it was very cool. knowing he was interested, i went and researched all i could find out about the bike, the new owner and sent bandit a long email with a bunch of links. he responded by asking me if i'd like to write the story. i about had a heart attack.
there is a guy at work i know who will think that's really funny.
now i had to write something, so i emailed the guy who was building it and waited. justin kell wrote me back five days later and over the course of the past two months we've spoken on the phone and sent a bunch of emails back and forth as i created a fun interview with a really interesting dude. i want to thank justin for being so fucking cool and always getting back to me as i pressed him for more info to the questions i asked. i'm sure he's busy with his popular motorcycle-related retail biz, glory and a garage where he repairs and rebuilds classic american and british bikes.
the original post about the bike was on bike exif. the guy who runs that site, chris, is a good fellow and his site is loaded with great motorbike images and information.
and now for something you'll really like.
i asked justin a lot of questions, but did not include the next one in the article on bikernet because it didn't have enough to do with his bike build. that doesn't mean it isn't a great answer. if you are a motorcycle fan and love movies with motorcycles in them, you are going to love this:
Trent: You are the motorcycle coordinator for a movie productions, with a resume that includes the Benjamin Button film, the latest Star Trek and Indiana Jones flicks as well as the Quentin Tarantino-produced 60's biker take-off, "Hell Ride." Please tell us a little about your involvement in this industry and what it is like to work with motorcycle stunts for the movies. Where do you get the bikes?
Justin: Because of the location of Glory and the amount of people in the film business who know our shop, I get called about films quite a bit. For years, I didn't take the jobs mostly because I couldn't get away from the shop long enough. The first major film I did was Benjamin Buttons. That was a funny one because the picture car coordinator that hired me did so very unenthusiastically. Because Brad Pitt suggested that they call us for the bikes, he really had no choice but to call me. I got everything together and went out to New Orleans. It turned out that Tim Woods (Picture Car coordinator) and me got on really well. The job went very smoothly with no bike problems.
The no bike problems one is always tough because you have 60 year old bikes that have to sit and idle for an hour, get ridden by guys who are not familiar with them, and generally get fucked up. After I got back to LA, I went into Hell Ride. Hell Ride was great because production just gave me my budget and stayed out of my hair. I was told to make our character bikes the way I saw them fitting into the script. Because of the very low budget, we did have to really cut some corners, but for the most part, I was happy with the way out main character bikes turned out. About a week before we were finishing Hell Ride, Tim Woods called me and asked if I could do a small "cosmetic" job on some new Harleys for Indiana Jones. The original plan was to just do some minor cosmetic changes to the bikes to "olden" them up a bit. We were also told that the bikes had to be returned to Harley after he film in the exact condition that we received them. We were sent over on very bad pixelated mock up from the art department. That was our template.
As we started in, I was contacted by the stunt rider who asked me how we were setting his stunt bikes up. Stunt bikes? This was new to me. It turned out, that of the five bikes we were doing, three were meant to be used for some very intense stunt work. This dramatically changed the builds. The hard part was having to keep many of the modern attributes like disc brakes and belt drive (because of time, budget and the immanent return to Harley). Because of the secrecy of the film, we had to load the trucks into a five-ton studio truck and drive the bikes to Connecticut ourselves. Production didn't want any photos of the bikes being leaked. When we got to Connecticut, we decided that we were just going to rip the bikes apart again and rebuild to specs needed to do the stunts. We shit canned the fuel injection system, the suspension and introduced those bikes to a lot of welding and matte black spray paint. The result was not bad considering the obstacles of the build. The coolest thing about the motorcycle scenes is that ALL of those bike stunts were done at full speed. Lee Morrison, who was the stunt rider, is the best rider I've ever seen. Lucky for us, the bikes became such a big part of the film's marketing, that they were purchased by the film company and we didn't have to put them back to stock.
The next big film job I did was Start Trek. That one was the total opposite end of the spectrum. There was no product placement to worry about, so we had the freedom to build the bikes the way that we saw fit. The "Capt. Kirk" bike was a Buell XB7. I used a guy who makes aircraft prototypes at Lockheed to fabricate the body work. It was weeks of bondo dust and more bondo dust. Everything was then custom made to fit around the bodywork. That bike could actually be ridden on the street. It turned out very cool, but no, I didn't come up with the wheels. That was computer generated. I also did a side job while doing Star Trek.
I put together a couple of MV Agustas for stunt and picture use in GI Joe. I haven't seen that one yet. (I haven't seen Indiana Jones or Benjamin Buttons either...). The movie stuff is great when it comes along. Unfortunately, they've seemed to stop filming movies in LA, so the work has been scarce. I will be doing some very high end vintage stunt bikes for the crew that we did Indiana Jones with, but I can't divulge any details. I also ran into Larry Bishop who directed "Hell Ride" the other day. He said we may do a "Hell Ride" sequel. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, because that was such a great crew and we really enjoyed making that picture.
+ + +
i'm keeping my fingers crossed too, man. i'd love to see a "hell ride" sequel.
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09.25.09 - 12:36AM CST
stuff that happens
but first a poem written on my 1929 royal typewriter on monday:
jesus hasn't come to save the world lately, has he?
my friend, i never meant to offend you
with the split penis of a hindu god
the dragon of santa maria
who was mad at my anger
begetting itself for the dreams of a past where everything was perfect
my subjective view of what chicken tastes like
the sound from another dimension
with a guitar and a beer and a bong
with the power out
and the prayers of the face hoping it won't get hit
with candles all around
knowing the weather will change
the questions of a child
+ + +
things that bug me today:
universal healthcare. today missradiant was riding home from work on the bus on a cool, rainy day and a man, who looked homeless, suddenly fell down in the front of the bus and began to drool excessively. after a few minutes of chaos, the driver stopped and an ambulance was summoned. the passengers waited for the next bus, twenty minutes behind, if it was on time. it was running nine minutes late. that's when i caught it and was surprised at how full it was and that my girl was sitting in a seat in the back. she and the woman she was sitting next to told me of the drama that preceeded my arrival. it was then that i recalled a quote. i cannot find who first wrote or spoke it but the basic gist is to state that a nation is judged by how it treats the least of it's citizens.
"sweep on, you fat and greasy citizens!" - william shakespeare; "as you like it," act 2. scene 1.
and he was swept away, indeed. by an ambulance. i bet he's going to get the best care in the world, huh, glenn beck, you fucking douche, you god damned hypocrite, you paid-for-whore, you liar.
yeah. i thought so.
you fucking idiots. the revolution is going to happen soon. do you own a gun? know how to shoot it? clean it? know how to raise it to an enemy and know you must fire or die? you will. or you will die instead.
click or boom?
now for some cool bikes and boobies.
i stole this from the blood falcons blog. i'm not sure i like the guy because he thinks he's bad with a hardtail sporty but he rides wearing skater tennies instead of boots. always wear boots when you ride. and jeans. and gloves. trust me. anyway, he seems like a decent mechanic and fabricator and rides a lot, which i respect. he just threw up this photo with no description. it looks like a ural.
urals were (and are) russian bikes with engines that were first manufactured in germany and sold in the ussr branded as urals. the motor is a bmw-manufactured (or ripped-off, depending on your version of history) boxer. anyway. the history of motorcycles is written by the winner!
regardless, this is a very fucking cool ural. i like black. i dig the clean lines. no bullshit anywhere. the motor itself looks like a sci-fi spaceship illustration from 1950. rad-ass shit, this bike is. i hope that whomever owns it, rides it and loves it.
i just want to give her a big hug. naked. as i come all over her belly. did you see the tats on her feet? interesting. boobies! foot fetishes! open mouths! tattoos! hooray!!!
one of these days, i am going to own a bike like this. i am not sure by whom it will be built, but this bike was manufactured by the scott motorcycle company from shipley, west yorkshire, england (i should have gone to dental school and moved to abbey road - then i'd be a billionaire) and it makes me want a killer old thing that nobody's ever seen. scott was a well-known producer of motorcycles and light engines for industrial applications. the founder was alfred scott and his company produced motorcycles until 1978. i think. i'm going to have to google that.
i got this image six years ago off a website the guggenhiem put up when they first opened "the art of the motorcycle" exhibit. i should have saved the info because that page no longer exists. if you missed it then, here it is once more. i'd guess it was made in 1923. it's got an inline-twin 620cc engine. dig the front end shocks at the bottom by the brake assembly. the gearbox is completely exposed and extends above the frame tube, spinning next to the interestingly-positioned gas tank. instead of most motorcycles, the frame takes a hard dive down from the head, to attach to the motor, and then another section extends back to the rear axle. the front tubes of the frame also attach to each side of the motor, making the case part of the frame assembly and what stabilizes the bike. talk about being one with your bike. there is no frame tube under the bike.
vincents were created a few years after this bike was built. did the scott squirrel sprint special preceed their frames which used the engine as a structural component instead of being the cage that cradled the engine? it seems so.
just to freak you out.
“be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” – cecil beaton
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09.17.09 - 09:03PM CST
a bike i like when i'm not rhyming with mike
i saved these images of a motorbike honda built in 2005. they called it "concept 1." it's a vtx and i wish honda would build it almost exactly as these photos. even though the market clamors for cheap bobber bikes, this is something that, because of honda's incredible market share and financial strength, could be sold for 23k. yes, that's a price leap for a honda, who just came out with a 14 thousand dollar "chopper" but fuck, it's way cooler than a freaking goldwing and if all you want to do is bar-hop and cruise around town for fifty miles in the afternoon like most dumbasses who think they're cool on their bikes, then what do you get if you don't buy into the harley mystique, manufactured in mexico?
from "some dude productions" it's dumbass exhibition #3469 from the way back machine to 1999 |
it's what you do in your car, too, unless you have some ungodly commute from your desert surburbia to concrete hell. fifty miles every once in awhile is how it is if you're the average bike rider unless you're cruising cross-country and then you have a 'wing or a big-assed harley and you see no need for a bike like this to tear into city streets.
for those that see that need, the output from the 1800-cc, 52-degree, water-cooled v-twin motor would easily be 145 ft/lbs and torque and 125 horsepower if chain driven as shown. i gather this from my best dyno on my personal vtx (118 ft/lbs and 99 hp), which is shaft-driven. a chain drive could gain 25% or more from a shaft, which is more reliable and needs less maintainance but robs power and i bet this motor would be tweaked compared to the original model i bought in june of 2001. 25% more than what i've ever gotten is a decent bet.
the symmetrical exhaust design is excellent. i know the first thing an owner would do is put new cans on to get some sound and power, but i'd make sure the exterior of the new exhaust was the same. seriously. the cans are sculpted to be a part of the bike's overall design. some might want a 2-into-1 exhaust for even more power. that could be interesting. i'd like to see what the left side of the bike would look like without the muffler. the swingarm looks really nice and would probably make the left side really clean.
i would change the color of the brake pad assemblies by brembo to black, brushed aluminum or carbon fiber. i'd use a titanium chain that more closely resembles the brushed metal elements of the bike as well. i'd make all the electical wires red or braided steel instead of black and blue and get rid of the plastic license plate holder off the fender and mount a clean and simple brushed aluminum or carbon fiber licence plate holder off the left hub nut.
speaking of the hub. dig that last image. it's a close-up of the rear wheel. no hub. wicked. honda called it a "split hub."
i'd also mount mid-controls so you could ride the bike like a cruiser or as a sport. i'd probably find a place to mount a couple of footpegs for the crazy woman that would hold on for dear life with me from strip club to restaurant to bar.
here are a bunch of stats and observations:
+ powered by the vtx1800 motor
+ custom billet engine cases
+ chain drive
+ 2 into 2 exhaust with upswept carbon fiber mufflers on each side
+ dual curved "road race" style radiators
+ trailing link front suspension milled from billet aluminum
+ dual fork shocks mounted behind the integrated headlight
+ billet swing arm with inboard rear shock
+ split hub rear wheel with custom offset spoke design
+ front & rear wheels are machined from billet aluminum
+ 240/40-18 rear tire
+ solo seat with separate back support pad
+ angular shaped tank is sculpted for leg clearance
+ carbon fiber tank cover houses the digital speedometer
+ analog tachometer is fared into the headlight
+ upswept angular rear cowl houses the l.e.d. tail light
yeah. i guess i'd have an analog speedo made for it, too. why have a digital speedo but an analog tach? that makes no sense. one or the other, man. anyway, it's still a badass motherfucking bike.
regardless of my minor changes, it's the bike honda should have come out with this year instead of the fury. the fury should have come out five years ago. hurry up, honda. you're missing out on setting a new trend. again. like when you didn't capitalize on the changes in the "power cruiser" segment you singlehandedly opened up with the vtx1800. if the market has changed and it isn't a 14k everyman's bike, then make a real custom. all those ideas i just laid out can be custom options.
2-into-1 on the right or 2-into-2 on each side? black, blue, red or braided wires? black, blue, red or brushed brakepad assemblies? have a few logo options for the tank in these same colors. seriously. okay? you did that with the rune and it sold a bunch in the first three months and nothing afterward. so what. be an innovator. a risk taker. build rare and legendary bikes every once in a while. please. and give me a job. i'll help you make them.
no. i did not forget the boobies:
now i need a glass of warm milk and a nap.
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09.14.09 - 10:24PM CST
she blinded me with science!
chronic traumatic encephalopathy
caused by repetitive trauma to the brain
oh i've got brain drama
let me tell ya
and a cheap beer
drank the good stuff yesterday
it was sunday and cool and gray
hooray for beer
makes me forget the brain stuff
stupid multiple concussions
one took weeks before i could speak again
plus the others
the haystack one
the porsche one
the times i hit my own head over and over screaming why are you doing this to me
beer makes it better
even if it's cheap
when i'm a millionare
i'm going to find a cheap girl
who won't know what she's got
who is simply thankful for love
and wants to fuck every day
sufferers may experience memory loss
emotional instability
erratic behavior
depression and impulse control problems
progressing eventually to full-blown dementia
woo hoo
i'll be like homer simpson
the zen he is but doesn't know
hooray for beer
motherfucker
seriously
dang
mine's empty
hey baby
what's your name?
some kind of metaphor. wings and bones. get it? no? me either.
what's to be said about a badass bsa? not much, it seems, except that i want it. where did it come from? heaven. yes. jesus for blowjobs. that's the name of this bike and my next band.
i've been told, but i'm not sure i believe it, that sometime this year, taxpayers may again receive an "economic stimulus payment." i thought about it for a moment, and just googled "economic stimulus payment." this is what i found:
the "economic stimulus payment" is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. the government get this money from taxpayers.
"so," you might ask, "the government is giving me back my own money?" no. just some of it. the government hopes that you will use the money to purchase an hdtv, thus stimulating the economy.
"ah ha!" you shout, "isn't that stimulating the economy of china?"
your phone rings.
ring!
"hello?"
"shut up."
click.
here is some helpful information on how to best help the economy with a great tip on how to best spend your stimulus check. remember:
+ if you spend the stimulus money at walmart, the money will go to china.
+ if you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to arabs.
+ if you purchase a computer, it will go to india.
+ if you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to mexico, honduras and/or guatemala.
+ if you buy a car, it will go to japan.
+ if you purchase useless junk, it will go to taiwan.
+ if you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses for blue-collar thieves who will hide the bonuses in offshore "banks."
instead, keep the money in america by spending it at yard sales, beer, tattoos, and prostitutes. these are the only american businesses still operating in the usa.
guess what i'm doing sunday? you got it. i'm going to get drunk and tattooed and hope to meet a prostitute at a yard sale.
i totally need her to help me with my laundry.
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09.07.09 - 9:33PM CST
mac motorcycles and my wife is pregnant! it's labor day! but reagan crushed union influence. so...
"mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb?" i know. this is supposed to be a punk rock site but you fuckers gotta give it to pink floyd. animals. the wall. their lyrics have more to do with punk rock than anybody but henry rollins would realize.
mister!?
wait, please, he says by putting his left index finger up. i'm writing.
like you make more sense to a mindreader.
so. anyway. mac motorcycles.
be careful. songs you listened to will become who you are as an old man. but this is about motorcycles. damnit! stupid a.d.d. i'm gonna get you. fucking billy joel, too. always changing my topics. can't wait to meet you in heaven with philip k. dick. so, about mac motorcycles. what, billy joel? he's heard the voice of god and wept at the face of an archangel. uh huh. really? then he fucked and lost christie brinkley. bummer.
dang. that keeps happening. this is about motorcycles. and my bus driver. he's what missradiant calls, "the miami vice guy." he's got dark, slicked-back hair. he wears cop glasses. you know, the mirrored state police glasses from a million nightmares of boys from 1985. pulled over driving a 1969 charger. wearing nothing but underpants. you try to run but can't. it's the glasses. you see yourself in them and they won't let you escape! king fucking rock!
what's hysterical is i must have signed up for news from mac because i got an email from them today. i figured mac motorcycles had simply folded when i saw the buell ad where they crush the blast and say it's what's for sale next year. i was surprised to receive an email from them.
my grandfather's ashes are two feet from my feet. repeated words mean more. my grandfather's ashes are two feet from my feet. remember that.
oh yeah. mac motorcycles. they came out in may and made a big deal about being some kind of back-to-the-basics streetfight thumper for sixteen grand. like sixteen grand can't get me a killer bobber with five grand left over for beer and blowjobs from prostitutes who will tell me i'm king of the world as they slobber and smile. if mac motorcycles gave you a boner, enjoy your std. mac was offering a 500cc single by "buell." yeah. i'm all over that like the queen of england scnarfing a fart.
yes. scnarfing. say it. see? scnarfing. mmm. good. it's great if you're a dog with your nose in your master's shoe. obama kind of looks like a dog. a smart one, sure. but a dog. woof!
don't even. i'd love "universal health care," but i know damn well we can't afford it. it's like buying a porsche with a ten dollar bill. it isn't going to happen. if, somehow, you manage to drive off with a porsche (i'm looking at you, voter), you're going to owe somebody fifty or a hundred grand. when they realize ten bucks was all you had, they're going to take away the porsche. unless they're some kind of master criminal and they let you keep it but they use you to commit evil deeds in the porsche. really evil. like washing blood off clown suits evil. instead of a few heartless, bureaucratic insurance corporations, we'll have just one! and it will be the government! muah ha ha ha ha! then you'll bow down and do what you're told!
a paragraph is a structure you are supposed to fit in. i refuse them. vote jesus. or mohammad. or some messiah. unless you're buddhist. or christ. then what do you care? you're gonna do what you're gonna do anyway. bastard fuckers. i envy you. can a get a tattoo with you? that looks just like yours? that would be so cool!
okay. seriously. mac motorcycles. big deal four months ago. see what they "looked" like then:
ooo! it was called "the roarer." yeah. really. i think their roar is a gentle kitty meow. you know the kitty. you or your sister had it when you were children. meow, said the kitty. meow.
what do their bikes look like today? it's interesting that you should ask. here:
great. somebody saw a confederate hellcat and has 3d-rendering skills. whoop ti-fucking-do. but i bet his computer kicks total ass. and his monitors? wow! i bet they're HUGE! mac motorcycle consists of a dude named ellis pitt. besides being aptly named, he is a former art student working for a graphic design firm in northumberland. yay! and the website says he rode a harley, too. you know that's instant credibility, right? no? well, it isn't.
a confederate hellcat, ladies and gentlemen. seen it before. eight years ago.
regardless of the stunning lack of originality in their latest design, ellis should have initally chosen an inline-two jap motor instead of the blast engine. plus, here he divulges that he'd have his motorcycle design discussions with other designers over "copious" amounts of tea and biscuts. god. what fucking crap. tea and biscuits? then, in parentheses, he lets the reader know that it was "rich tea." what the fuck is that and who cares? he should be drinking beer! after that little dollop of dandy info, i wanted to punch this wussy douchebag in his stupid mouth. instead, i relented to the love of god and realized that the queen is still wrestling farts over it all, so i smiled. it's her fate. stinky fucking hitler farts. tickling her nostril hairs for eternity.
mac "motorcycles," i mock you.
anyway, getting nowhere near the point, where ever it may have gone, geez this a.d.d. thing has got to stop, the mac website has a link that says "TIT BITS." i clicked it and there were no boobies. i was infuriated. what kind of shit is this?! bloody wankers and some more british insults!
right then and there, i considered going back in time and grabbing the ouija board my mom played in 1965 and making it spell out another name but my father's. fucking spirits. you don't determine my fate! i figured i had to do it or kill ellis pitt, founder of mac motorcycles. if i did it, i wouldn't be born. as you see, ellis is alive today. no. i won't sell the technology or tell how i am obviously born and he still lives. this all could simply be a figment of your deranged imagination. now who's crazy? i did find the technology that keeps him alive is wicked and will harm you. not killing ellis has only prolonged his agony and humiliation. i pity him.
finally. tits. whew, that was close. back on topic; today i got an email from mac with a link so i went to their "top secret" web page and told them what i thought. i was not kind. this is what i wrote:
don't bother reading past this sentence unless you want me to pay me six figures a year to consult for your sorry asses.
mac. like you're associating yourselves with an iconic brand - of computers - that revolutionized something. was that on purpose or by accidental, and ironic, but not really, death?
you "design" a bike using a motor that was obviously on the chopping block months before you came out and with info stating that the same motor would be the powertrain of your colossally overpriced bike? then the manufacturer of that bike starts a marketing campaign where the next buell blast is a crushed cube? you are wearing diapers, aren't you? because you had to have shit yourselves by now.
who was charged with making a deal with buell (aka: the vendor) before you came out with a bike using a motor that was not only universally panned, but about to meet it's demise at the manufacturing level?
still reading? then i'm half way to a hundred grand! yay!
so, this leads to an obvious question. who has contacted yamaha? you've ordered how many motors? uh huh. thought so.
fire somebody's ass and hire mine. what complete bullshit. that's what you look like. new engine? god. i think i'll choke to death i'm laughing so hard.
hopefully, i'm choking on a hundred grand. otherwise, hope you thought this was funny.
love you till you die;
misteradiant |
+ + +
take that, hunter s. thompson. and i haven't taken hallucinogens since 1994. or at least since the alien abduction. let us not talk about that. who knows what they injected into my butt. they concealed my eyes! no! not the anal probe! and their language! arrrrggggghhhh!
the man in black shakes his head and snickers.
honey?
yes?
philip is calling.
are you sure it's not his lawyer?
no. philip is jesus' attorney. john is who you're thinking about.
oh yes. that's right.
the conversation between a married couple that never had anal sex. even if they had, they'd have mentioned anal sex. wouldn't you if you were them? of course you would have.
hey baby, remember when i fucked you in the ass last night?
yes, dear.
that was awesome!
yes, it was. would you like to fuck me in the ass again tonight?
ah huh.
then do the dishes and massage my feet.
you had to ask. in case you never get another chance. i understand. i'm the mad poet. who else would understand but me?
anal sex and red and mac motorcycles that will never be built to ride with vroom gloom doom broom.
fascinating, said mister spock from the television as john lennon giggles.
they will never build two rideable "mac motorcycles." the whole deal is merely a design exercise for british tea and biscuit munching sissies. what a joke.
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09.06.09 - 2:15AM CST
september is anal sex month!
yes, it's that time of year again, folks. time to fuck and get fucked in the ass. homer simpson does it, why don't you? it's the disposable enemas that give him away.
actually, august was anal sex month and i missed it. last fucking time that happens, i tell ya. anyway, here's a post about anal sex that starts with a poem i wrote a few years ago:
words words words
spell me a miracle
a million dollars
a masturbating lover screaming my name
on the telephone
in the bathroom
at work
words are like poop
you leave ‘em
there’s necromancy
reading the bones of the dead to tell the future
and then there are writers
the future will be like this:
you will be slaves
for a while with fast and powerful cars
then fast and powerful internet connections
when the fuel is gone
stupid dinosaurs
let’s replace them with rich white men
with monitors and computers that make the matrix seem like captain kirk seems today
just you wait until your cell phone is an atomizing transport machine
no
that will never happen
that will give us too much freedom
in the future we will be slaves
with fast computers that lead us nowhere
but to sex and self-loathing for sex
because words are terrorism
a threat to national insecurity
a weapon of mass distraction
from the truth
of wars against the middle class
and fake tits slathered in gobs of thick
white
come
pierced with nipple shields fashioned to look like sunbursts
the sun
what was first worshipped as a god
words will be feared
words will be repeated
you must stay inside
lock up
kiss your bedbugs tight
love with all your might
inside your safe place called home
where your telephone has a transponder
sending a message to a satellite
that locates wherever you are
what, you didn’t know it did that already?
dumbass.
in the future there will be no question marks
only exclamation points
we got ‘em!
5000 dead!
50,000 abortions alone!
right to die!
free anal sex!
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a glowing come stain on a dollar bill is the surrealist dream
held in the hand of a dying man
who just wanted usa today
blood splattered everywhere
on the face of the president
on your face and the faces of your children
like jesus art
a dripping cross
tattooed on your fucking forehead
that you never see
in your reflected image from your glass of cheap wine
an image of a million innocents murdered
for the rage of the truth of the subjugation by millionaire sadists hiding behind the cross created by men who jesus
drunk with curse words
would beat to death
to write the word HYPOCRITE upon their backs with the blood of their beating
that their hearts might cease to pound the rhythm of the love of god
i don’t propose that i have the answer
i just wanna make you squirm
shithead millionaire motherfucker hiding on a mountain
behind a locked fence
inside your home
filled with fear purchased with the interest of your selfish crimes
i have remote control
blink
you’re gone
this is the perfect gift for anal sex month. you can get them in a variety of sizes, from large to extra large, and over half-a-dozen colors including "aurea borealis." i know, it's supposed to be "aurora borealis" but jesus, do anal sex toy makers need to know how to spell, too? yes. yes they do. stupid, kinky bastards.
i bet this guy feels like he just had anal sex after riding this hardtail scooter a hundred miles. good for him. anyway, smartass, go visit the blog of the fuckers that ride bikes like this wearing tennis shoes. or is it skater shoes? whatever. wear boots, man! you've got a full-face helmet and gloves, why do it half-assed?
goodness, the jokes keep coming. i can't make them stop up.
this is a badass carburetor stack. dellorto's are legendary carbs used mostly for european motorbikes, italian bikes and mopeds, specifically. bikes that run these are aprilia, benelli, beta, bmw, cagiva, derbi, ducati, fantic, gilera, honda, italjet, ktm, laverda, moto villa, minarelli, and rotax. many of these bikes are no longer made, but dellorto makes carburetors for them. how cool is that?
i'd like to take the whole thing apart and shove it, piece by piece, in someone's ass. right after a forced enema. you know who you are. you fucked with my motorcycle. yeah. then i'd take pictures as you desperately try to get everything out before shitting all over yourself. it would be a futile endeavor. then i'd drug you, staple the photos all over you naked body, and drop you off on sixth street on a saturday at midnight. bleeding. mumbling incoherently. shit-caked. yeah. the cops would probably throw you in jail. revenge. make everyone pay. muah ha ha ha ha!
this is another great present you can get the one you anally love. it's called a pony tail. it's really just an anal plug with hair. you can get synthetic hair and even real horse tail for that giddy-up & go you've been craving. additionally, there are many accessories you may purchase to make your loved one a "pony girl" or "pony boy." everything from crops to the pony head bridle set and bit gags. you know what a bit is, don't you? ah. i broke horses when i was 15 in montana. that means i learned 'em. a bit is the piece of metal you put in a horse's mouth that's attached to the reins. pull the reins one way, the horse's head turns and off they go in that direction like magic, or abuse, or something. stupid hippies.
this is just funny. somebody did a great photoshop job here. i don't know where i got it but you know hitler was ginormously anal-retentive, a teetotaler and a vegan, right? yep. i also heard he had an enormous flatulence problem. really. when was the last time you ate a plate of cabbage and didn't stink up the place? god, hitler was such a fucking douche. adolph's private physician, dr. theo morell, recorded in his diary that after hitler downed a typical vegetable platter, that “constipation and colossal flatulence occurred on a scale i have seldom encountered before.” funny. like he had encountered "colossal flatulence" before. bummer job. that's what hitler gets for not drinking beer, too. asshole. never trust someone that won't drink beer. they're boring or closet mass-murdering maniacs. seriously. like george bush. just ask an iraqi how "freedom" and "democracy" is working for them.
talk about getting fucked in the ass...
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